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Boeing 737-800 Flight Safety Information

February 22, 2012

You may need to make this larger to fully appreciate the safety narrative.

The pilot announces that flight is about to crash. You feel flouting the ‘no phone’ rule no longer matters and promptly phone your wife to tell her you never loved her and the marriage was a sham. Matters settled, you turn your attention to the flight safety information – to which you paid no attention when the ‘sun’ crisped stewards performed their best catastrophe play at the start of the flight. First up, you’ll notice the emergency oats will descend – spinning your head will release the oats so you can chomp away like a happy horse. Next up: only blue bloods are rescued, so a fashionable gillet will slide at a Dave Benson-Phillips-angle towards you face. Simply don your rural wear and whistle for a pauper to rescue you. Next up comes an opportunity to use the smoke as a cover to steal high-heeled shoes, earrings, false teeth, glasses, and perv up ladies’ skirts. You are not, however, allowed to take your bounty form the plane, so try to enjoy it onboard. Next up, pop off the door, perform the maracrena on the slide and run away to the nearest disco in your spotless, red dress that definitely wasn’t smudged in the fire or anything. Anyone with laser vision is allowed to set fire to the wings, but the door is an absolute no-no. Finally, open your letter box to receive the letter that tells you what to do in case of an emergency. Only people wearing seventies clothing are allowed to leave.

Verdict: phew, we’re safe! And for a minute there RoT thought it was about to burn on a plane. And die. Forever. 10/10. 

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