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Beaker (of Muppets fame): the language of

February 9, 2012

RoT isn't going to cheapen itself by making tired comparisons.

Nowadays, there are many celebrity scientists: Richard ‘God assassin’ Dawkins, Stephen ‘I got my voice from Casio keyboard’ Hawking, Patrick ‘I eat my ear hair’ Moore, and of course we’re all familiar with election-bothering Brian Cox pointing at Outer Space and saying, ‘how mental is that?’ But what about the first celebrity scientist? No, not Simon Mayo Galileo – Beaker, you muppet! Beaker is often thought of as Bunsen’s bumbling lab hand at the prestigious research unit, Muppet Labs; not so. If only we could understand Beaker’s language we would realise that Bunsen is actually hoodwinking us with his mistranslations. Beaker’s language can be difficult to comprehend. Once upon a time, RoT never quite got that sparrow to admit it was responsible for using the last of the milk – even after the few remaining undigested drill bits had been worn down. Beaker’s language can be equally as impenetrable as that sparrow’s circumlocutory (or downright perjurious) tweeting. What may seem like mindless squeaking is actually the base level of a frequency only just able to be heard by the human ear. Imagine you could hear barely a whisper of bass from Cher’s hit, ‘Believe’, and nothing else, so low its just a sexy tremor – all the emotional complexities of Cher’s robotic-voice-mangle would be lost. Such is life listening to Beaker. Beaker is a scientific hotrod: he takes on science with the same verve as Rambo takes on his own side who think he might be a bit murderous – that’s right, by proving their point and murdering them. Beaker speaks only in scientific proof: his every utterance is a complex algorithm, expressed in a binary of noises designed especially to annoy dogs (Beaker HATES dogs). And what does Bunsen do, jealous of Beaker’s scientific acumen? Relegates him to The Chief Secretary to the Treasury assistant status and tells us all that he’s a bumbling shitfest, only fit to be prodded like a caged Geordie in some sort of coat experiment. Bunsen, you shit, we know where you live!

Verdict: Beaker’s language surpasses any other language known to man (except, perhaps, Dutch, which is constructed entirely of flem). Still, it’s a bit whiny. 7/10.

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