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The 12 Reviews of Christmas: No.1 The 12 Days of Christmas

December 13, 2011

Lord (of the dance) a(bout to be) Leaping

Reviews of Tings said it would buy the flowers itself. For it had been a long year and, finally, the last of the leaves had surrendered to gravity and the bare branches now stood stark against the harsh, unfiltered winter sun. Reviews of Tings had let people down; of this much it was certain. Three reviews in two months was hardly good enough. But how could Reviews of Tings explain the myriad obstacles that littered its life? The daily strain of having a real job and of, furthermore, convincing people it possessed some basic level of competence at executing the real job; the theses that had to be written; the knitting patterns to be memorised so as not to ruin the twins’ first Christmas: these things, all, barriers between tings and reviews. Reviews of Tings had sat, its feet tucked beneath its rump in the window seat, and Reviews of Tings had thought. It would write 12 reviews, it decided: one for each of the days of Christmas. In fact, Reviews of Tings supposed, there was hardly time to squeeze 12 reviews in before Christmas, and some creative timekeeping would have to be employed. And yes, the Twelve Days of Christmas actually begin on Christmas Day, but Reviews of Tings remembered all too clearly its mental state in that precarious, suspended week before the New Years past and just could not allow itself to take such a risk. Besides, the 12 Reviews of Christmas were to be like the jolly song, with partridges and drummers and geese and milky maids. What better release is there, Reviews of Tings thought to itself as it dried the last of the cutlery and placed it neatly in the drawer, than gamely bellowing ‘Five Gold Rings’ and scaring the children? Binky shouted something from the cellar and Reviews of Tings left the kitchen, humming as it went.

Verdict: What is a colly bird, anyway?


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