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The Finale in the Trilogy of Sea Reviews, or, The Caspian Sea

August 25, 2011

Squint hard, you'll see the face of Daphne from EggHeads.

513 days ago something truly remarkable was set in motion. 395 days ago that something remarkable became something magnificent*. And now, in the greatest climax to a series since The Land Before Time 14: The Growing Sky Stone, RoT is bored enough happy to bring you this final review in the Oceany Reviews Series. First things first: the Caspian Sea has to be outed as a liar. It’s landlocked, which makes it the worlds largest body of lacrustine water- take that Superior, Michigan, Huron and Erie; Caspo is a motherfunkin lake. It’s hydrological breakdown is largely saline though. Thank you, Pedantic Archie – you’ll benefit from noting that, due to its current flow from Europe’s largest and ugliest-named river (the Volga), Caspian is a freshwater lake in its northern portions. BOOM. Whenever deciding how much it likes a body of water, Reviews of Tings likes to take in which countries share its coast. Happily, the Caspian Sea is wise in who it chooses to touch: Iran, Russia, Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan and current Eurovision champions, Azerbaijan. Who can look RoT in the eye and say, that forced to choose 5 countries for a quick bukkake sesh, those lads wouldn’t feature? But to return, reluctantly, to the point at hand, RoT is keen to point out that it’s never physically seen the Caspian Sea. But it once spend a whole afternoon Googling pictures of it and ignoring a critical work situation. The Caspian Sea has no real beauty to speak of; there are no pictures of endless sandy beaches and vibrant, coral sunsets. There are, though, lots of oil-drilling platforms. Reviews of Tings admires that.

Verdict: One day, Peter Jackson will make some blockbuster movies out of this trilogy.


*One of your best – Dangerous Meredith

One Comment leave one →
  1. August 26, 2011 12:43 am

    A fitting climax. Bound to be optioned.

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