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Angry Dead Portuguese Woman

August 6, 2011

What are you looking at?

Angry Dead Portuguese Woman is undoubtedly angry. And most likely also dead, considering her angry face adorns this gravestone. There are many reasons for her anger: death; the Portuguese economy; Katy B’s Mercury Prize nomination. The truth is Angry Dead Portuguese Woman is angry because she fell from her mother’s legs as graceful as Pumba in Disney’s latest production: ‘The Lion King III on Ice: Smack Mountain’. After six weeks spent underground in the family vegetable garden, they finally realised she wasn’t sprouting as she was a baby, whereupon her stock in the family promptly declined. Between this, and her death, basically nothing happened. Which makes reviewing Angry Dead Portuguese Woman’s life difficult. There was laughter, but only when something funny was on the wireless. There were tears, but only when the Spanish stole all of Portugal’s onions and sliced them defiantly at the border. There groans, but these have no wider significance. Should we not have sympathy for Angry Dead Portuguese Woman’s fetid life, you ask? No: clearly she did nothing to help herself. Look at he she complements her spuddish features with a manly haircut. Or how, for instance, she appears to have modelled herself on Robbie Coltrane in ‘Nuns on the Run’. Which makes RoT think: could this be Robbie Coltrane? Angry because after his astounding performance in Van Helsing he was debased to a shoddy European economy? Hhhhhmmmmm…

Verdict: Nope. Just some second-world angry bitch. 2/10

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