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News of the World Souvenir Pullout

July 11, 2011

No, thank YOU. Tarra, now.

So some giant wits over at the News of the World decided to attack our new favourite modified-named, cockney wench-haired hero through the medium of crossword clues. Apparently RB had hired somebody – presumably Jonathan Franzen’s editor – to finely comb through Sunday’s swansong edition, to ensure the absence of any such sly digs. But that person missed said digs – as witty and subtle as one would expect of NoW journaslists – in the puzzle section: victory for the wronged journalists! Or is it? Does it really seem likely that this Machiavellian titan missed these obvious and puerile insults? RoT fancies that events unfolded thus: Rebekah Brooks is fully aware of the hidden crossword messages – after all, she is a skilled crossworder, famously able to complete The Times wordgame in under 150 seconds – and is on the brink of enforcing a global ban on crosswords and having the offending scribe committed to Guantanamo Bay, when she cast her eye over the removable NoW commemorative souvenir. Over 40 classic NoW front pages, reprinted for you to frame! She smiles fondly, her grin widening into one of satanic glee as she realises the basic, cyclical format contained within: footballer sleeps with prostitute; match fixing scandal; z-list celebrity caught snorting cocaine. RB, forever protected by the mysterious, powerful hold she has over Rupert Murdoch, sees that whatever petty crap these people write in their crossword clues, they can never harm her in the way they’ve harmed themselves by reminding the country of the bile they’ve published, largely over the past 3 years. RB lets the journalists claim this slice of self-perceived victory, and slaughters another kitten for breakfast.

Verdict: RoT is not naïve enough to believe that the world is truly rid of a Sunday Paper in the cast of NoW. But it was enjoyable to see the morally bankrupt, largely illiterate journalists expose themselves on such a large scale.

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