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French Open Umpire Uniforms

May 31, 2011

That's where it was: a really big spider.

Indulging in its perambulatory tendencies, taking the short walk down the Seine from its pres de La Tour Eiffel apartment to the clay courts of Roland Garros, RoT found itself thinking about how it got so rich and started lying about its life. In between such considerations, and a brief stop for a tatty €2 book to wipe its arse with in the public toilets, RoT turned its thoughts to the snazzy uniforms of the French Open umpires. You know the ones, the dazzling v-neck red jumper, the stylish slacks, the sneaky glimpse of what appears to be a cheeky polo shirt. It’s all tres bon. But what does it all mean? Firstly, it means this is a classy affair. The addition of these uniforms accounts for 24.2% less grunting, which is a significant reduction. There has also been 11% less tittering at ‘new balls please’, and likewise a notable reduction in guffawing. Robinsons fruit juice is being replaced by Ribena, with the phallic suggestibility of bananas also disappearing in favour of between-game figs eaten on fine china with a knife and fork. Deep down RoT knows it misses the grunting, and still ensures it catches a sneaky glimpse of the tennis knickers from behind its faux-expensive sunglasses; but, fine wine and smelly cheese it is.

Verdict: C’est bon, 7/10.

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