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Shakespeare’s Hairline

April 25, 2011


Republicans are wont to accuse RoT of being full of sound and fury signifying nothing, but what would they know? They probably don’t even have a Prince Andrew bumbag! So it is with much informative value that we now turn our attention to the hairline of that most hardnosed of corn merhants, Mr William Shakespeare sir. Rumour has it that conjecture overheard Hear’Say’s Noel Sullivan (wearing his coat of tongues) spreading some gossip in The Labrador Groomer that once upon a time Shakehisbeard had hair on his heady head head, even in yonder painting, and that some scoundrel went and balded him up. Fact. But RoT doesn’t pedal street talk. So here’s the word: that tufted egg to your left was exactly that, a tufted egg. The yolk of Shakespeare’s mind was made mostly of yolk, surrounded by clear-as-eye-juice egg white. This egg was made to look like the moon, with two eyes, a beard and other miscellaneous features. Recent research has found King Lear contains more protein than even famous egg lady Margaret Thatcher. Shakespeare’s hairline introduced him as the eggiest bard in all of London town. Francis Bacon could only dream of being served beside him, in a lovely breakfast for RoT’s first love, Elizabeth I. Proudly pronounced, Shakespeare could lord it into any tavern with his sallow genius resplendent as a free range medium chucky. If heads be eggs why then breakfast is at hand!

Verdict: RoT is satisfied that Mary Arden didn’t suffer when she shat the medium-sized parabola out, free-range in the Warwickshire countryside. Now, get Nicky Clark on the phone, RoT needs a hairsnip! 9/10.

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